I DID give birth!

Postpartum depression sucks, particularly when there's no baby to hold.

Coming to terms with losing a baby is only part of the healing process after a miscarriage. There is also the physical adjustment to being pregnant then not being pregnant.  

I did a quick search this morning for information about postpartum blues, depression, etc. for women who lost their babies during pregnancy. I did this because I feel like crap. I had a nice weekend with Mass, visiting with friends and nice weather. I wept a bit in church, was a bit overwhelmed in the afternoon, but was screaming by the time I went to bed. I awoke this morning with a dark cloud hanging over my head. By early afternoon, I was overwhelmed by the desire to cry and throw things.
My first search on the internet brought me to a discussion about 'postpartum depression following miscarriage.' The overwhelming response to a woman's question about it was, "Postpartum depression follows birth, so it doesn't happen when you miscarry."
What?! That is a serious contradiction. What do these people think happens to the baby?  A pregnant woman will give birth one way or another. She may not notice when the baby is born, which is sad, but the baby- even if still an embryo- comes out of the body, and the body responds. The body produces hormones to keep a body pregnant and ceases to produce these hormones soon after birth, and in some cases, before birth. Regardless, the woman has the challenge of adjusting to these changing hormones. Add to this challenge the absence of endorphins that are normally produced when the baby snuggles his nose under his mamma's chin after a bath, or oxytocin when he latches on to nurse, and you have a woman in hormonal hell.

I have struggled with postpartum depression with my last four live births. With my fourth, I was near suicide. I know the difference in sadness and hormonal imbalance. Sadness includes thoughts. I've lost a child, and therefore I grieve, I mourn, I am sad. I am aware of these thoughts.
However, there are also moments when my skin feels likes it's stretched around the wrong body and tears form in my eyes when the only thought in my head is "cry." There is no logical progression of the thoughts and feelings when hormones are raging. It's physiological. It's very real.
I know my children are hurting. I know my husband is hurting. But physically, they are the same now as they were two weeks ago. I am not. I am adjusting to a new body again.

 I have no baby to hold, but I did give birth.